My Blog Rules Your Ass!

^0^

2009-06-07T22:22:00.000-04:00

:^)

2009-06-07T22:21:00.000-04:00

^___^

2009-06-07T22:20:00.000-04:00

:o)

2009-06-07T22:17:00.001-04:00

2009-06-07T22:16:00.001-04:00

:P

2009-06-07T22:15:00.002-04:00

:0

2009-06-07T22:15:00.001-04:00

:)

2009-06-07T22:14:00.001-04:00

:)

2009-06-07T22:13:00.000-04:00

Happy Monday!

2009-02-23T11:28:00.000-05:00

This will give you nightmares

2009-02-19T09:39:00.000-05:00

Here ya go, hippies!

2009-02-16T12:59:00.001-05:00

SUPRISE BUTTSEKS!!!

2009-02-15T15:39:00.002-05:00

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!

HAPPY BLACK HISTORY MONTH!

2009-02-12T23:11:00.022-05:00

your name + google image search = these pics

2009-02-11T09:48:00.009-05:00

My review of the Grammy Awards show

2009-02-09T21:14:00.012-05:00

DUDE...

2009-02-08T21:40:00.000-05:00

This kid is fucking trippin balls

2009-02-04T14:58:00.001-05:00

My day (so far)

2009-02-03T15:08:00.028-05:00

Modified Bacon Explosion via:

Here

To be continued when my Bacon Explosion is done...

I'm sure this will be awesome

2009-02-03T10:37:00.003-05:00

A&E's featuring a new program about a badass exterminator. I would pay money to have heard the pitch for this one. "What are the kids into these days? Custom bikes? Bounty hunters? Tattoo parlors? Shit no! That stuff's for pussies. You know who the real badasses are? Huh? Do ya? I'll tell you who......EXTERMINATORS." I think it's awesome that the pest control industry is finally getting some credit. I mean, seriously, these guys are paid assassins, mercenaries, cold blooded killers of vermin. These guys are FUCKING ROCK STARS! I hope this makes all the Dale Gribbles of the world start trying to act like fucking cowboys n shit. In one year, I'm going to call an exterminator out to the house just to see if he shows up looking like the faggot ass singer from Godsmack. Rolling up on a Harley with some leather pants and a Marlboro hanging out of his mouth. Thank you, A&E.

Tomorrow we dine at DENNYS!!!1!

2009-02-02T23:19:00.001-05:00

NO FAT CHICKS!! (just kidding)

2009-02-02T13:00:00.005-05:00

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!1!!!

2009-01-31T02:31:00.001-05:00

I hate when this happens

Where's my wiggle wrench?

2009-01-29T12:58:00.015-05:00

From the bowels of my quickly deteriorating cellular phone with camera.

WTF is this shit

2009-01-27T10:31:00.001-05:00

You do the fucking math

2009-01-25T04:31:00.002-05:00

DAAAAMMMMMMN!!!!

2009-01-22T10:18:00.006-05:00

This is my favorite video. It's "Single Ladies" by Beyonce. Watch it and you will see why. Better than porn.

Here's the live version:

Here are some equally saucy versions:

HAY GUIZE!

2009-01-21T23:40:00.004-05:00

Goodnight, sweet prince...

2009-01-20T12:20:00.007-05:00

Seeya, bitch!

P.S. Don't think the Secret Service guys aren't going to know who left that upper deck in the Oval Room toilet.

Oh lawd

2009-01-16T13:16:00.001-05:00

Mr. Roarke: 1920 - 2009

2009-01-15T09:44:00.000-05:00

I double dog dare you to click on this picture

2009-01-13T11:04:00.001-05:00

AT&T is unreliable

2009-01-12T12:46:00.007-05:00

OMFROTFLOLZ!!1!

2009-01-08T00:52:00.002-05:00

Ok, seriously: Stop fucking saying "Boats and hos." If you haven't seen that movie, it's not funny. It is less funny than "I'm Rick James bitch" if you have never watched Chapelle Show.

Fuck motherfucking yeah

2009-01-06T12:12:00.004-05:00

Hells yeah, last night was my birthday. Apparently, it was this little tartlette's birthday, too. I turned 25 and she was turning 21. I totally could have done her. I know this because she indicated that it was too bad I was married because she would rock my world. She also said that if I had a car there she would take care of me and she was really pawing on me with her sexy little ham mittens. It's the fucking beard.

Here are some awesome comics

2009-01-05T17:53:00.007-05:00

One or more of these pictures are you

2008-12-30T21:15:00.008-05:00

Sorry about the lack of updates. My wife took my daughter to visit Grandma and Grandpa, so Daniel and I spent the entire week drinking paint thinner and building a jenkem still. I bowled about 500 games and was really worn out and sore from holding the Wii controller. Apparently my hand is not used to holding anything for that long unless it is made of glass or aluminum or my penis. I found some pictures on my phone and remembered some stuff. I will post some of those pictures later, fags.

Happy Holidays!

2008-12-23T14:13:00.000-05:00

This is your fucking dad

2008-12-18T10:59:00.002-05:00

Dude...

2008-12-17T16:43:00.000-05:00

I'm really busy today

2008-12-17T12:04:00.004-05:00

Also:
"Capers are the anchovies of the vegetable world" -Butchie

The History of SUMO DAWG

2008-12-14T14:58:00.005-05:00

On December 24th, 1995 at a Browns' game, I was sitting in the Dawg Pound for the first time. The temperature was about 20 degrees with a negative wind chill. In the third quarter, after a Browns' touchdown, I took my shirt off. The Dawg Pound went nuts. No one was watching the game. All eyes were on me. The rest of the game was a party and I was the main attraction. The feeling was unbelievable. I decided to become a Dawg Pound Dawg, like Big Dawg. My mom came up with idea of SUMO DAWG. This name fit me perfectly. I still live by this name today; I even put SUMO DAWG across the front of my car so everyone knows who I am. From now on when ever I go to a Cleveland Browns' game I will be SUMO DAWG.

Sumo has gone to one game per year since the Cleveland Browns have been back in town. I can't quite remember the year, but I went the bottle throwing game, (no I did not throw a bottle I was to high up), a Falcons game the Browns stopped Vick (the dog fighter) on 4th and goal to win and go to the playoffs, a Cinncinnati game that the Browns lost, a Redskins game the Browns won, A KC game the Browns came back to win after being down by 14, and this years game vs. Miami a nice big win.

No matter what game I go to I am popular with fans. They take lots of pictures of me and are usually really nice, even the other teams fans. So if you see me at a game take a picture, say hello and yell go Browns.

LINK:

SUMO DAWG

There is no God

2008-12-12T11:51:00.000-05:00

I fucking <3 Jonas Brothers

2008-12-11T12:55:00.003-05:00

Con subtitles de espanol

Hey Daniel...

2008-12-10T08:43:00.002-05:00

So I guess you're playing hooky tonight.

If you are a girl, here's your boyfriend:

What the fucking shit is this?

2008-12-08T21:42:00.008-05:00

Look at this crap. It's a Transformer that transforms into itself, but laying down.

Anyhow.... here are some strange, but true facts.

* The peanut was invented in 1938 by Julius Irving Carver.
* If you plant an unfertilized chicken egg, an egg tree will grow, but if it is fertilized, a chicken tree will grow.
* In Honduras, human hair is considered a delicacy. Some people have been known to have kids, just to harvest their hair for special occasions.
* Colgate designed their toothpaste to look like bird poop because they thought people wouldn't buy toothpaste that looked like human poop.
* NASA has a gag reel from the first moon landing, featuring Neil Armstrong barfing in his space suit. They haven't released it because their funding was cut and the licensing for the Benny Hill theme song is out of their budget.
* Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estivez are brothers in real life.
* DVD's were originally named "Double Vaginal Discs" but were later renamed "cocksuckers". The initials just stuck because they were catchy.

KILL IT WITH FIRE

2008-12-08T10:11:00.001-05:00

Instead of going to church, I updated my gay blog

2008-12-07T13:34:00.005-05:00

Guess what Leslie is getting for X-mas

2008-12-01T23:48:00.002-05:00

InB4 backwards robe.

Welcome to Dutch Oven City, population 2

2008-11-30T15:46:00.002-05:00

Window locks are awesome.

Here's a little something for the ladies...

2008-11-24T01:33:00.000-05:00

I'm growing an awesome fucking beard

2008-11-21T03:00:00.006-05:00

I am also working on a sweet Ricardo Montalbon impression. I did it in the car yesterday and Daniel indicated to me that he almost would have thought for a second that Mr. Rork and I had changed places, via a worm hole or vortex, if that were something that commonly happened. Here are some kickass pictures from the interporn.

Phone pix

2008-11-19T10:17:00.017-05:00

I dumped all the pictures from my busted ass RAZR. Here are some of them. I added descriptive text to some, because I know that a lot of you found this site by Googling "RETARD PORN" or "SHAK DAT BLACK AZZ".

UR MOM <3's ME

2008-11-16T19:25:00.009-05:00

Here's how I know. She showed me these pictures of you while she was paying me this morning.

Sine your pitty on the runny kine

2008-11-12T23:06:00.001-05:00

My kid threatened to poop in my wife's bra. This is awesome.

Dude...

2008-11-11T08:34:00.005-05:00

As if trying to make our daughters want to dress like prostitutes wasn't enough...I present: Fashion Pups.

These bastards have crossed the line.

PARY TIME!

2008-11-09T03:25:00.002-05:00

Be careful

2008-11-05T08:51:00.003-05:00

Remember what happened in '00? It's not too late. Keep an eye on him. He might sneak up and steal a third term.

Gorilla vs. Bear

2008-11-03T20:33:00.002-05:00

This is one of those weird forced nature things like centipede vs. bat, shark vs. octopus or praying mantis vs. goldfish. It is EXTREMELY GRAPHIC and brutal as fuck. If you have a weak stomach, don't watch.

There's a party in my tummy

2008-11-03T11:52:00.003-05:00

I have DVRed a bunch of episodes of Yo Gabba Gabba and I think I watch them more than my daughter. Here is a brilliant song from the show.

I seriously have a thing for Holly Hunter

2008-11-03T02:52:00.002-05:00

Julianna Moore, too. Check out this chinese video.

God Bless The USA!!!

2008-10-30T10:23:00.004-04:00

Here are some amazing versions of my all time favorite Lee Greenwood song, God Bless The U.S.A.

Comcast fucking sucks

2008-10-28T03:06:00.008-04:00

And these are all pictures of you.

Dude...

2008-10-22T13:42:00.001-04:00

I was drunk the day my mom got out of prison

2008-10-20T03:52:00.002-04:00

This may actually be the best piece of archived footage...EVER. It is long, but worth it. If you don't feel like watching it you should not have turned your computer box on today. Fuck off.

In retrospect I should have had sex with Rachel Hunter (UPDATED FOR LESLIE)

2008-10-18T05:50:00.003-04:00

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand time.... I LOVE VIDEOS OF DUDES SINGING SONGS BY TIM HARDIN, POPULARIZED BY ROD STEWART, WHILE PLAYING HORRIBLY OUT-OF-TUNE NYLON STRUNG GUITARS.

Only imagine...

2008-10-16T11:18:00.001-04:00

The Mrs. sent this to me. Apparently she wants to go to hell, also.

I'll just leave this here...

2008-10-12T21:55:00.001-04:00

I CAN FEEL IT COMING IN THE AIR TONIGHT....

2008-10-11T06:30:00.002-04:00

I pretty much request to be Tubbs when we are rolling, so shut up. Turbo D and I are straight clocking. If you don't know, you better ax somebody.

Hey Europe...

2008-10-07T10:40:00.001-04:00

we know you are responsible for this. There WILL be consequences.

These pictures accurately represent my feelings for you

2008-10-06T21:38:00.008-04:00

Here are some pictures from my awesome gig, today

2008-10-04T23:12:00.004-04:00

production office

catering

king leisure suite

OH HAI !!!1!

2008-10-01T19:02:00.001-04:00

AMERICA IS #1

2008-09-30T13:12:00.008-04:00

SO, we had a yard sale and only made around $250. We would have made twice as much, but my wife was loading up every hard luck case with as much free shit as they could carry. My kid sold Kool Aid and made $17. She bought a Demi Lovato Barbie with her money. Plastic Demi Lovato has a nice rack and the built in speaker is pretty hot, too. Then we dumped all the rest of our yard sale crap at the Goodwill in Susanville and I saw an awesome sign. Then I saw a kickass street sign, too.

Welcome to the main event

CLAY AIKEN! GTFO!

2008-09-23T23:43:00.014-04:00

Way to jump on the "I'm gay" bandwagon. First of all, exhibit A:

DUDE! You have a kid. That means you are banging at least one chick! Otherwise, how would you have a kid? Duh?

Exhibits B & C:

Would a gay dude wear some badass shit like a rugged turtleneck sweater or top hat? Fuck no! Everybody knows gay dudes run around in ladies dresses or leather pants and t-shirts that say gay stuff on them, like "I'M FUCKIN GAY" or "COME FUCK MY BUTTHOLE". Hello?

Exhibit 5:

Dude, Clay is grabbing on this hot chick's titties. Everyone knows if he was a real queer his hands would start burning or fall off or some shit.

Exhibit VI:

He's married.

Exhibit 5:
Here is a picture of Clay next to a real gay dude. Do they look alike to you?

FUCK NO THEY DON'T!!! He's got red hair! Plus he's wearing a ring!

In conclusion, quit being a fucking dickhead! Stop trying to tell everybody you're a homo. We realize that it is quite popular to come out now, with Lindsay Lohan & Lance Bass, but give me a fucking break, dude. Everyone knows that you are nailing tons of chicks.

DON'T CLICK HERE

This guy banged your sister

2008-09-23T11:29:00.004-04:00

Here are some nice prom pictures

2008-09-18T22:53:00.011-04:00

OH FUCKING SNAP!

2008-09-17T22:46:00.004-04:00

This is for my gaynadian party pals, Jason, YJA, Rouge and Salem.
This isn't the awesome ghetto version, but you get the picture.

Protips

2008-09-16T16:45:00.005-04:00

Here are some things I have learned. I am really wise for my age (25).

1. Cops do not like it when you say, "Listen, motherfucker."

2. If you are travelling the entire next day, do not eat the following: Indian food, raw escolar, lots of Tabasco on anything, a fifth of Jack Daniels.

3. If you come home at 5:30 am, drunk as fuck, you cannot argue your way out of being in trouble with your wife by saying, "Fuck you! You're drunk!"

4. If your female friend wants you to go out with a girl that you have never met, she is fat.

5. If you are planning on making time with a lady, but aren't sure if she's really a she...walk the fuck away. Unless that is your thing, of course.

6. If someone you know wrongs you, the best thing you can do is not say anything and start planning revenge. It's way easier to sneak up behind someone or plant contraband when you have calmed down.

7. Some strippers really do want to fuck you.

8. If you have taken a bunch of Percocet and someone tells you something important, write that shit down and put it in your pocket.

9. If you have to call in because you are hungover, don't try to say it's from stomach flu. Nobody will believe you. Tell them you have acute alcohol poisoning. Then they will be worried about you and you stand a better chance of getting off the hook. Everyone already knows you were slamming shots of Watermelon Pucker at the Blue Parrot last night.

10. If you have had so much to drink that it is difficult to walk, it is way harder to ride a bike. Seriously.

11. It doesn't matter how angry you are. Don't try to punch through a lath and plaster wall.

12. Do not try to stick a torch, made from a hockey stick and a gasoline doused t-shirt into a wasp nest.

13. Don't EVER fry bacon naked or even shirtless.

14. If you just got off work and are trying to pound as many Jager bombs as you can before last call and you already have like 5 or 6 down and you accidentally laugh and blow Jager bomb out of your nose, you will probably end up projectile vomiting in the alley.

15. Europe is fucking gay.

I think Bedazzler is in this video

2008-09-15T16:48:00.000-04:00

It's fucking party time

2008-09-14T21:50:00.001-04:00

More sweet Jesus art

2008-09-12T00:11:00.010-04:00

There are two things I love more than anything in the world: Jesus, USA, gettin laid by the ladies and drinkin coldbeers. Here are some more awesome pictures of the real president of America. I especially like the third one where the Jew has snuck up and is trying to strangle Jesus, but he's just like, "Pshtt, whatevs." That's fucking cocky.

I fucking love Jesus

2008-09-11T12:23:00.001-04:00

Found here.

I think Leslie is in this video

2008-09-09T22:07:00.001-04:00

This is how I roll, except I'm not gay or Dougie Houser

2008-09-07T05:57:00.000-04:00

Pictures from my family reunion

2008-09-04T12:51:00.013-04:00

When you're hot, you're hot....

2008-09-03T04:15:00.000-04:00

cameraphone dump

2008-09-02T01:15:00.011-04:00

If you live in the south: GTFO

2008-09-01T14:25:00.009-04:00

Please read this memo re: TPS report cover sheets

2008-08-28T07:37:00.001-04:00

It's party time

2008-08-26T19:59:00.005-04:00

Here are a few thoughts:

Hot dogs + cheese = FUN

Being morbidly obese is not the same as being disabled and a handicapped parking pass is not a Wal-Mart VIP card.

More awesome quotes from musicians:

"Bukkake is really more of a right of passage ceremony. They make the girls wear robes and stuff. Real bukkies are done in dojos." -Donnie Diggler

16 year old girl: You guys were so awesome! Will you sign my butt?
Donnie: If you are seriously asking me that...the answer is YES.

I made a tape for you again + bonus poll

2008-08-25T20:52:00.006-04:00

Really I made it for myself. It is all country music. Try playing it in the background while you are browsing pr0nz.

So, anyway... my wife brought home this fucking clock.

What do you think?

UPDATE

2008-08-24T04:11:00.005-04:00

Work sucks.

Traded in my 9mm (AKA "Old Jammy") for something with a little more horsepower. Feels like a stick of warm butter in my hand. That is if butter came in .357 caliber sticks. OH YEAH.

I am buying a case of these.

INTERNET GOD

2008-08-21T19:10:00.004-04:00

I found this AWESOME video here. Don't start stalking her or anything. I call dibs. The thing that sucks: her roof is tile and the dew makes it really slippery at night. I almost broke my foot last week. Seriously watch this. This kid is an amazing talent.

Dont worry about Greenie. He's a fucking twat.

2008-08-20T20:40:00.020-04:00

Sharkboy found this site. Go check it out.
Then watch this fucker. This kid is my new hero. I'm gonna ax him to review Chris Isaak's latest record.

Sofa king wrong

2008-08-19T02:32:00.000-04:00

Camping

2008-08-17T19:54:00.017-04:00

So we packed up my van and drove to Maui for some camping.
I knew that I would be spending four days in the wilderness with no wifi and like no bars on my cell, eating sticks and pine cones, so I decided to make a delicious and nutritious meal before I left. Octopus, rumaki, chicken breast, gizzard and hearts.

I bought a new tent, finally. The last one was all full of DNA, burn holes and stink. It goes up pretty quickly with a minimal amount of effort.

Last year I posted a picture of me in my one piece and Leslie and a bunch of gay dudes got all hot and bothered, so here is some sexiness for all you fagholes.

This is what ice cream cones do to my kid.

Thank you for this beautiful sunset, Jebus.

3am sausagefest.

Fucking rats with wings. My daughter is obsessed with bugs and animals and fed them three bags of Goldfish crackers.

Here is my campsite. I don't fuck around with that "roughing it" bullshit anymore. Honestly, I consider the Hampton Inn "roughing it". If there isn't power and running water, I'm not going.

Here are a few pictures of me on the beach. I think there was something wrong with the bottle of vodka I drank the night before. It gave me a headache and made me feel sick.

Congratulations to The People's Republic of China

2008-08-13T11:04:00.004-04:00

Congrats to the Chinese womens gymnastics team for winning the gold at the 2008 Summer Olympics in Bejing. Pictured below is the team, comprised of 16 year old atheletes.

I don't know who this chick is but she's hot

2008-08-12T15:22:00.000-04:00

Isaac Hayes 1942 - 2008

2008-08-11T11:45:00.002-04:00